


bittersweet

by pinkseason



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Break Up, Character Death, Death, Depression, Eating Disorders, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Post-Break Up, Religion, Self-Harm, Song Lyrics, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 09:02:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20444573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkseason/pseuds/pinkseason
Summary: phil isn't in love with dan anymore.





	bittersweet

**Author's Note:**

> please do not read if you are sensitive to topics involving suicide, self harm, eating disorders, etc. stay safe and take care of yourself.

_why are you scared to dream of god?_

dan doesn't believe in god. nor does he think dreaming about him would do anything.

_we are nowhere and it's now._ a beautiful song with beautiful words but he hates that lyric. hates it because it tastes like stomach acid and reminds him of his mother. it reminds him of when he stopped going to church and_ why do you keep pushing god away? he loves you. _

he thinks if god really did love him he wouldn't be laying in his bed with pills swimming in his stomach and a piece of paper resting by his side that has_ i love you_ and _goodbye_ and_ i'm sorry_ written on it. phil would still be in love with him.

phil would still be in love with him. 

if god existed he wouldn't be so fucking out of his mind and phil would still be in love with him.

he wouldn't be so obsessed with empty stomachs filled with empty calories, because it was always _you would look so handsome if you were thinner_ and _you weigh too much for your height. _

he wouldn't be so obsessed with the feeling of metal against skin and red across pale.

he wouldn't miss phil so much to the point where it made him physically sick.

and it hurts. it fucking hurts. hurts more than the blood dripping from his wrists and the hunger pains at 4am. _i hate you but i'd do anything for you. _

dan doesn't believe in god but he still prays. he cries so hard he shakes and he grips his pillow like his life depends on it and he prays. he prays for his scars to fade and for his mind to heal and he prays phil will love him again.

dan doesn't believe in god and frankly god doesn't fucking believe in him.

_i hate you but i'd do anything for you._

phil isn't in love with dan anymore. phil is moving on and dan has pills swimming in his stomach and_ i love you. i'm sorry. goodbye._

he never really expected this is how he would die. he thinks death reeks of hospital blankets and feels like plastic flowers and it tastes like bittersweet chocolate. it's rotting flesh and it's_ i'm sorry for your loss._

everything in dan's life has lead up to this moment. it's bittersweet like chocolate and it feels like plastic flowers and-

it's fucking sad.

he puts in his earbuds and turns on some music because the sound of silence makes his mind wander. he knows if his mind wanders he'll back out of this. he'll run to the toilet and he'll put two fingers down his throat so he can try and save his life before it's too late.

but he doesn't want that. he knows deep down he needs this. dan needs to fucking die because there's nothing left for him anymore. he thinks perhaps there never was.

his life has been doomed since the day he was born. ever since his mother wept because she wanted a girl and ever since he realized his mother would never love him quite as much as she should because of it. and right now he thinks that's okay because soon it'll be all over. soon he'll fall into a sleep so heavy he'll forget how to breathe and that'll be it. he's been longing for it for quite some time now.

he closes his eyes and he thinks about how phil isn't in love with him anymore and how he's going to die and suddenly it hits him and now he's crying. he's crying because he wishes phil could just walk in right now and hold him. he misses how phil used to smell like coconut and lime while they held each other and he wishes he were fucking there right now. _i love you. goodbye. i'm sorry. _

_keep a place for me._

and he's listening to a song that reminds him of phil. every song reminds him of phil but that doesn't matter. it takes him back to when they first met and how they shared their first kiss in a small hotel bathroom listening to frank ocean. he thinks about how he had never scream laughed before meeting phil and he remembers how he sobbed on the train going back home.

he likes to think he fell even more in love with him after that, if that was even possible.

_they say distance makes the heart grow fonder but i don't think i was ever strong enough to know what it meant. _

and he fucking hates himself for ruining it all. he made phil lester fall out of love with him because he's obsessed with empty stomachs and razor blades and he hates phil lester for no reason at all. he hates him for moving on and he hates him because he's going to die still being in love. _i hate you but i'd do anything for you. _

he's going to die with the fact that he made phil hurt. he pushed him away and pulled him back and pushed him away again and he hurt him, manipulated him, and now he's gone and it's the equivalent to having his heartstrings plucked like the strings of a guitar. more painful than blood dripping from his wrists and hunger pains at 4am.

_ you're my first love. _

_i don't want anybody else but you. _

dan never believed him though, despite the countless times phil told him that. he never thought phil could ever love someone as sick and as broken as dan and to be honest phil never deserved dan to begin with. fuck dan. eating disorders and self harm and depression were never a good enough reason as to why he treated phil the way he did.

he begged, pleaded dan to get help, but he never listened. he never fucking listened, and he pushed phil away. he pushed everyone and everything away and **now he's going to die alone. **

it's too late and **he's going to die alone. **

it's bittersweet like chocolate and it feels like plastic flowers and it's rotting flesh and it's _i'm sorry for your loss._

dan starts to feel his body become heavier and it terrifies him. first it's his legs and then his arms and finally his eyelids become too heavy so he lets them fall shut. he thinks that's the last time they'll ever be open and it's terrifying. it's scary so he just focuses on the lyrics of _first day of my life_ by bright eyes instead of the fact that when he falls asleep he'll never wake up again. it's terrifying and it's lovely and it feels like a sigh of relief but also feels like holding in a sneeze.

_i'm glad i didn't die before i met you._

he's so tired but he won't focus on that.

dan wanted this song playing at his wedding. at his and phil's wedding. dan never let him forget it, always used to remind him _this is our song, baby. i want to walk down the aisle with this song playing. _

a smile forms on his face.

he'll never have a wedding and he'll never get to have kids and that's okay. he'll never get to claim more love songs as his and phil's ever again and he wishes he would've paid closer attention to the lyrics of _we are nowhere and it's now_ because he can't stop thinking about how he's beginning to feel scared to dream of god. and he's thinking of his mother, _i wish i could've been a better <strike>son. </strike>_

and somehow right now it feels okay.

phil isn't in love with him anymore and god doesn't believe in him and it's lovely.

it's bittersweet.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first piece of work that i've published in years and i'm nervous. it's short and simple and sad and i apologize. in a way dan is supposed to represent me. i put bits and pieces of myself and my past experiences into this and i hope it turned out alright. hope it made you feel something. thank you for reading.


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